Powerless. Confused. Just going through the motions of what I was “supposed” to do. Supposed to do well in school. Supposed to go to college. Supposed to pretend like this was the path I chose.
But I did choose it. What else was I supposed to do? I didn’t feel strong enough to go any other way. And maybe I could have tried harder but I had little confidence in myself – just a girl dreaming.
And then I was fighting demons.
I didn’t see the depression and the pain until I was already in its trenches. It didn’t even feel like falling.
It felt dark. Lonely. I felt worthless.
Once I started trying to get better, I started to feel better about myself. It wasn’t a straight line. It never is. But still, it was easier to find a “good job” and to be stable. I wasn’t really living but I wasn’t stuck in the dark.
I was still searching for myself.
Who did I want to be?
Why did everyone else seem confident in the path they were walking?
Why did I still feel so lost?
I think when we’re fighting the battle to get well while also trying to be a contributing member of society, it’s easy for us to do just enough.
I didn’t know who I wanted to be before I got sick – and for too long my depression defined me – so when I got better, who did I want to be?
I stopped asking myself that question until my boyfriend came along and asked me what I wanted to become. I didn’t have an answer 2 years ago, but as I started listening to the quiet voice within, my path has become clearer.
I have these ideas in my head of who it is I want to become and what the next stage is for my life. Part of the path I see myself walking down is due to all that I have experienced in my life thus far. But there is still a nagging voice in my head telling me how impossible it all seems.
But I believe in the power of intention and that the universe/god will give you what you need to make things happen. You just have to put in some work.
And I now can see that that is the part I was missing. When you don’t believe in yourself then you don’t take the necessary actions and so you remain stuck where you are. But when you start taking action amazing things start to happen (for me things like epiphanies while driving to work or a coworker introducing me to a new author).
The question of, “Who am I supposed to be?”, isn’t always easy. It’s taken me 32 years to see that I’m finally heading in a direction of my own choosing. I no longer think about what I’m supposed to do based off other people’s opinions or standards. The path that I’m choosing isn’t easy but I don’t feel like it is impossible either. It is going to take hard work and discipline but if I could go through the motions so long for other people, why can’t I do it for myself?
Why can’t you?